Quiet Reflections

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To say that these past couple of weeks have been tough is simply an understatement. Some days just plain sucked. Days where I was feeling resentful, bitter, and angry, and wanted to (at least mentally) curl into a ball or watch chick flicks for the rest of the afternoon. The whole thing had easily spiralled up into a pity party for one and it turned me into this one gloomy, miserable mess.

So a few days ago I decided to talk to a good friend of mine. Not exactly one of my “closest” friends, but certainly one of the wisest. I’m grateful for she didn’t try to sugar-coat anything or say things I wanted to hear, but all was just what I needed to. She sent me this: At some point in life you will realize that you have tried so hard, done so much for someone, that the only next possible thing to do is to stop. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. But you tried your best and what is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

Then today, just 10 minutes ago to be exact – before I jumped out of bed and grabbed my laptop to jot this all down – it hit me. I realized I was too focused with this picture-perfect idea that I have in my head, I felt blindsided when things turned upside down. I knew I saw it coming, and I thought I was ready, prepared for the worst – but never really were.

So today I choose to let go.

The key of letting go is to forgive yourself first before all else. Forgiveness is letting go of the past. And trust me, I know it’s easier said than done and forgetting is a way harder fight. But the truth is as simple as this: you can’t move forward looking backwards (Believe me, I tried). And letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.

So thank you. Thank you for the good laugh, the lessons, the good memories and the bitter ones. For showing me patience and compliance in the most genuine way. Thank you for constantly reminding me to move on lightly and happily, even at times when I couldn’t believe in myself.

Cliché as it sounds, I learned that it’s okay not to be okay, because life’s balanced that way. It’s a bittersweet reminder that sometimes you have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting and just have faith that things will work out in the right place, at the right time.

x, Amanda.

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